Anxiety Girl: A random Rant

What’s so great about anxiety? Why is it so easy to claim that one has it? Why does anxiety even exist? Why can’t people just calm the fuck down and stop being so bloody anxious all the time?

The answers to these questions that I will give are all negative. Nothing is great about anxiety. Perhaps it’s because it’s an easy excuse out of a rut is what makes it easy to claim and perhaps the fact that there are genuinely a lot of people who suffer from it makes it an easy conclusion? No one knows why it exists. Maybe it’s just there to make you anxious. Who knows? Some psychology stuff would probably point it to past trauma or hey, you might just have a weak tolerance to human interaction and that’s how you end up? So why can’t people with anxiety just c h i l l? Easy. Because they have anxiety. That’s just how it rolls.

To be honest, I always believed I had anxiety issues. Well, not always. When I was in high school, I loved being the center of attention (to be honest, up until now I still love attention) but my heart pounds. My hands become sweaty. My chest tightens. I don’t know when or how it started but I think that’s just how I am. I love being cheerful. I love it when people gravitate towards me. Yet when I am at the center and all eyes are on me, I stumble, I stutter, I forget what I’m supposed to say.

I was a member of our school’s Theater club for approximately 6 years and I even took up a bachelor’s degree under the department of media studies. I loved every moment of it and at the same time, hated it. I loved the feeling of being in front of people or even the camera, but before and after the activity, I am a bundle of nerves. I guess everyone are when in these kinds of situation.

However, I’m pretty sure that not everyone feels like vomiting; they don’t feel cold; they don’t feel like they are being suffocated and air becomes hard to breathe; they don’t feel like they would royally fuck up and be thrown away like a useless piece of rag; they don’t get chills; and worse, they don’t feel like they can do it.

Well, socially normal people won’t. But the rest? Yeah. probably. And it happens all the time, even with just the simplest of tasks.

You know that feeling when you start rehearsing how you’ll say “present!” or “here!” during a roll call? When you imagine all the worst things that could happen as you slowly stand to make your way to a podium. The palpitations you get during a recitation and you just know you’re gonna be called next and what if you gave the wrong answer even if you know it’s right? 

So it’s definitely not an easy task to just relax and calm down. As much as you crave that feeling, it won’t come to you as easily as others. It’s gonna be a long and anxiety filled journey, but one day, you’ll find your place. I haven’t found mine and yes, I do keep forcing myself in social situations that I know I’ll get panic! attacks! in hopes that I would get used to it but still to no avail, I end up as a messy bundle of nerves. Just remain optimistic despite all the pessimism that resides in you 🙂 hard but still doable 😉

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